|The Littleton Colorado tragedy
Why it happened
And what can be done to stop it from happening over and over again
The Big Picture....
How our children will always act out the sickness..
in the family and the world
The children will always act out the suppressed feelings (anger-rage) and desires of the parents and society.
The children will also act out the secrets of the parents. And we as a society are as sick as our secrets.
This is what we have seen come home to us in Littleton, CO and will continue to see in growing intensity if we as a people don't finally realize that it is us who have the problem not them.
It should be clear to all by now that most of the students in Columbine High knew about the behavior of the trench coat Mafia. Why didn't they discuss it with their parents? If they did why didn't the parents discuss it with the schools administration? And if they did why didn't the school administration discuss it with law enforcement? And why didn't law enforcement do something about it? These would seem like reasonable questions that need to be answered don't you think? I wonder how many children did talk to their parents about it and the parents did nothing. How many children didn't bother to talk to their parents because they knew their parents would do nothing. Do you parents really know what your children are doing on a day to day basis in their life? Do you know their friends? Do you talk to their friend's parents and compare notes with them about what your child is telling you? This is not about trusting your child this is about parents coming out of denial and being responsible adults.
The case of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, two high school kids in a nice neighborhood, in a nice school, brings stark reality to this invariable truth. The truth they knew, saw and understood. The truth we have been desperately trying to hide as a people. The truth that we hide through our pride and our perfectionism. Our denial to look for the cancer within us. The horrible truth that we would rather see our children die than face the truth about ourselves. But our children will continue to die and take some of us with them if we are not really open to change. We must really see through new eyes who we are and to realize who we are as a people and as a society and that nothing outside our selves will help us. We are the problem, not guns, not God, or lack of God, not the neighbors kid, not drugs, not alcohol, not homosexuality, not violent movies and video games, not the internet, not satanic music or lyrics; not satin himself...none of these factors can gain control of our children if we as parents have done our job...it is us as parents who are the problem. And only we can do anything to effect change. "Me" as a person and "We" as a society have the problem and "You" as a parent are responsible to change it. Its not them it is us.
Parents are, in general, not bad people. Each and every one of us has sincerely tried to do and give our children the best we are willing and have to offer. Once again I mention the importance of our action not our words. Our words always mean the best for our children but our actions speak in hypocritical terms and this is what causes the confusion and anger for our children. What in fact the kids see and hear are the words and the hypocritical actions we as parents have heard and learned from our parents.
The Bible says very clearly, "...Provoke not your children to wrath.....". Ephesians 6:4 (English-KJV ) "Fathers, do not exasperate your children...."(NIV version)
Webster Dictionary definition says that "Provoke" means to:
1 a archaic : to arouse to a feeling or action b : to incite to anger
2 a : to call forth (as a feeling or action) : EVOKE b : to stir up purposely c : to provide the needed stimulus for
The Thesaurus shows the synonyms to be to Irritate, annoy, incite, and to generate!
Invoke, to insult, outrage, anger, incense, instigate, stir up, induce, cause, perturb, upset, to lead one into doing or feeling or to produce by so leading a person.
If we expect our children to obey us we must earn their respect and stop provoking them to wrath.
If children experience abuse, either physical or emotional in the home they will take that abuse out on others and themselves. If parents push their kids to perfection in sports, or grades, that is abuse and creates anger. The child will often take that anger out on those they consider inferior to them. (This is what happened at Columbine High, first the jocks take their anger out on the trench coat Mafia and then the trench coat Mafia take their anger out on the jocks and others)
There is a pecking order in schools just like in many homes. The heroes get the praise and attention. Those that are living out moms and dads and the teachers dreams get the strokes, the rest get abused and at best ignored.
We all should know, if we are sensitive at all, that children are tremendously abusive in school towards one another. Why? Where did they learn to be abusive? If you are not part of "the in group," you are nothing in most schools.
Most parents don't know what abuse is because they were raised the same way and they think they turned out OK because they judge OK by money and materialism. Good job, nice home, lots of adult toys. These have nothing to do with knowing how to give a child what they need to feel good about themselves and others. This is the hypocrisy that children see in their parents. Parents who don't love themselves can't possibly teach children to love themselves.
We ask why we are seeing these types of disasters happening in nice schools in nice neighborhoods? Money, materialism, perfectionism, snobbism is the majority. What does that create in those who don't see that as life's answer? Where and why do kids learn to act this way? In the home from mom and dad. They see it modeled for them.
Children are not going to admit that this is going on. They will protect their parents just as we protect ours. Children would rather accept all the responsibility than give the impression that parents might have faults. This is what society (Generations of dysfunctional beliefs) demand of them if they are to be accepted.
None of us claim to know everything when it comes to raising children and being a good parent. Then why do we act perfect? We act like we know it all. We say we don't but if I ask you to tell me specifically what it is you don't know, what are you going to tell me? It proves; we can't know what we don't know. We all know that huge amounts of progress and knowledge has occurred in every area of society as it pertains to our jobs and our personal life. Yet why do we continue to try to raise our children on 100-year-old outdated inherited and passed on information that has never worked? Why do we hang on to the "fairy tales" of the past?
What are the children seeing as role models? They are seeing their moral leader, the President, being allowed to get away with immoral behavior and then when he lies and covers it up, his parents, (the voting public) do nothing because they don't want to rock the boat for fear of loosing some of their materialistic gains he has helped them acquire. Is this not hypocrisy the kids are seeing at the highest level? What did their parents do to try to stop it? What did they see their elected representatives trying to do to stop it? The Children really have been watching and I suspect their actions reflect their disgust with what they see! Who really is running our nation, who is making the decisions, who is really responsible for the crime and unrest in our country? The adults...not the children. Then why are we blaming the children? We have the power not them. If we expect change we have to change by example if we want them to change. We can't ask them to be perfect when it is so obvious we are not perfect. Don't you think they can see this?
How do we get our children to consider doing what we want them to do? Do we use money or materialistic things to bribe them and control them? Is that your value system? Is that what motivates you? Or is it easier to give money and materialist things than yourself, your time, and your feelings? What happens when the money and gifts stop coming?
Another example: Where and how and with whom are the children allowed to express their anger? How have they seen anger dealt with in their home? Do they know how to have, feel and deal with constructive anger? Do you as a parent know? Is it working? What are the signs you see in your child that he is having healthy anger or not having healthy anger? All the signs are there for you to see if you know what they are. This is a serious problem with all children that parents must face but most are using tools and methods 100 years old that don't work now! This is an another example of why the children are in trouble with your leadership. If you are starting to get angry by my words, please take it as a good sign and don't let your pride and ego get in the way of your stated desire to help your children. That would be the major reasons we are were we are today. We require our children to be open to new information and they are learning new ideas of the 21st century and we as parents are still living and swearing by 19th century child rearing techniques. The children see it and know it and are rebelling.
For all of you parents who have placed your faith in God and the bible as the primary answer to all your child's problems you better take a hard look at why it is not working. Raising children requires the effort of both God and man. God can't do it without you. That is why he gave us free will. And in no way do I think God is happy about the way his children are being raised by the adults he has placed in charge. I suspect if he were the parent he would be doing it considerable different. He was pretty clear that most issues could be solved with love and good example. He set that example and showed unlimited love for all except the hypocrites. Parent's main problem is the hypocrisy. Take the log out of your own eye before you start trying to deal with the speck in your child's eye.
We have to face that we are really in fact all equals. No one any better or worse than anyone else, we are all equally screwed up and we are all responsible. We are all good and all bad. Our kids are us. They reflect us, both the inner and the outer us. The part that is obvious and the part that we try to hide. They pay the price for our secrets and our hypocrisy. The only way out is through and we have to begin the journey to save our children and in the process we just may save ourselves.
|"What we live with we learn,
and what we learn
we practice, and what we
practice, we become...
and what we become
AND almost always, I have
found, who we become
has little to do with who
we were meant to be.
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|DISCLAMER: Before you start to look at the material that I have assembled for you I want to make clear that I claim very little original authorship here. Even where I don't give credit I probably should because there are very few original words of wisdom left in recovery. I want to especially thank Terry Kellogg, whom I do believe has a lot of original stuff, John Bradshaw whom I believe has the ability to synthesize others material better that anyone I know, and I guess if we wanted to be completely accurate we should not quote the serenity prayer out of content nor without giving credit to the author. I also want to give permission to anyone to use anything on this site for the benefit of recovery as long as they do not make any more money off of it. This offer only extends to what I have the right to give.|
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